Dear Ryan

I had 21 years with you, and I feel like I've wasted them. It's no one's fault. Things happen, I wasn't around when you were, and you weren't around when I was. In and out of jail and back and forth from Europe made it pretty impossible for us to develop a real relationship. I hope you knew how much you mean't to me and how often I'd talk about you to my friends. You were on my mind literally everyday I was abroad and I can never get back the time that I feel I wasted on feeling awkward around you due to the drug abuse and you will never get back the moments in your life while you were away and in jail. It doesn't make you a bad person and I never was mad at you for your decisions, but always hoped for the best. I came to realize that there was nothing I or anyone could do to make you realize how much the drugs were slowly taking your life away. We all knew it was coming, it was just a matter of when. I even remember telling Erica one night on the phone right after grandpa died, that I had a feeling that you would also die before I got home from Paris. I had prayed I'd be wrong, but on June 18th, I was right.

Growing up, you were like my guardian angel. You were always there for me, even when I didn't know it. You were always ready to fight someone for me. I never truly realized that you were one of the people in my life that would be there for me no matter what, until I realized I couldn't be there for you. Our last conversation we talked for a bit about drugs and I told you that I had done some the weeks before and we understood each other. I told you that no matter how far I was, that I wanted to be there for you and I'd do anything to help you get clean. I think you were embarrassed to ask for help or accept help from your little sister. We had that in common.

I will always regret not making a bigger effort to have you in my life and I will never be able to close the massive hole you left when I heard the news that Monday morning that you had died. I'll never be able to hear your voice again or your laugh when we watch some stupid thing on YouTube. The last time I saw you, was around Christmas. I was only home for a week or so. One of my biggest regrets again is leaving home too soon for a guy. I never learn. If you were still here I'd tell you all about how I let myself fall for guys all the time and always end up heartbroken and you'd of course say that "If they ever come to Ohio, I'll beat the shit out of them". You'd do anything for the ones you love and I don't know where I'll find another person like you.

You completed our family and I don't think you'll ever understand how much it hurt to not have you around for birthdays or holidays, but I've had practice from earlier years when you weren't with us so these next ones won't be as hard. It's been 3 years and I've been trying to forgive you for missing my graduation, but it's hard. I'm human and I was hurt and I can't put all the blame on you but it's hard when you are celebrating something so important in your life and the one person you want to be there to see you succeed isn't there. I can't be mad about this anymore but I can't help it, especially now that you'll never be there for another milestone in my life. You never got to know if I got that job I interviewed for, or if I'll ever fall in love. You'll never know if I have children or if I end up being a lawyer like I always dreamed of. You'll never know how it feels to have your big brother missing from the rest of your life and always wondering what could have been if just one thing was different.

So I'm writing to you, and although you'll never read it, I want you to know how I am. I want you to know what you've missed in the month since you've been gone, and I'll write to you when I go through any other big changes in my life that I want to share with you. Because I'll never be able to forget, and I want you to be remembered.

So I'll write.