I'm Sorry But...

In a world where a simple date could turn into a court date, I believe it's time we- as women - have a real conversation with ourselves, especially as the #MeToo movement has reached all over the world. It is 2018, we say this every year as if last year we were living in the Flintstone era, but I don't think anyone is learning anything about the allegations against men surfacing. I am a part of the #MeToo movement because I have myself been a victim of sexual abuse. I'm not going to get into details about that in this article but if you're curious, I am very open about my experiences, both good and bad, and have an entry on what happened to me on this blog I'll link in this article.

I have wanted to write about the movement itself since it came about a few months ago, but now I feel stronger than ever to voice my opinions on it. As women, but most importantly, as human beings, its extremely important to voice our concerns to others when we disagree with a situation. That being said, let's get into the reason I am writing this today.

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Consent: (noun) permission for something to happen or agreement to do something.

(verb) give permission for something to happen.

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Aziz Ansari, the latest man to be accused by a women for sexual assault. If you're unfamiliar, Aziz is the Indian-American actor on the NBC series Parks and Recreation. The woman accusing him is a 23 year old photographer from Brooklyn.

Below is the original article:

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As a proud feminist and supporter of the movements #MeToo & #TimesUp, as well as a woman who has been raped herself, I read this article with some bias towards the woman at first, because I could see where she was coming from. Nearly all women have been there. Excited to go out with a guy and don't want the night to end so suddenly but don't want to sleep with them, next thing we know we are in their apartment having sex with them. This type of story is all too common, however its not a crime. She may have felt uncomfortable and pressured, but Aziz is not a mind reader, no one is, and he had felt the entire evening was consensual, as she never said otherwise. I want women to be able to come forward with their stories of sexual assault and rape and feel comfortable talking about it, but I think we need to establish what is safe and acceptable behavior, as in not criminal, and what isn't acceptable behavior.

Aziz did nothing criminal, but she can make an accusation against him with the title of the article reading " I went on a date with Aziz Ansari. It turned into the worst night of my life."

She wrote down everything that happened that night and called it "sexual assault". I read the full article and nothing in there warrants for the use of that term. Sexual assault is a crime. We need to use it sparingly and only when there is a crime. Not a bad date. The accuser is not only making herself look silly by calling it an assault but all the brave women and men coming forward to tell of the powerful men who have abused or taken advantage of them. It calls into question the entire #MeToo movement and makes victims virtually unbelievable. It infuriates women in my position because we have experienced that, but when we verbally tell the guy to stop, he doesn't. He doesn't listen. In this case, she had told the interviewer she used non-verbal cues to let him know she wasn't interested in sex. Sometimes it's hard to verbally tell the guy to stop and you're not interested, trust me, I know, but she told him to stop and he complied. Again, no crime took place.

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“Most of my discomfort was expressed in me pulling away and mumbling. I know that my hand stopped moving at some points,” she stated in the interview. "I said I don’t want to feel forced because then I’ll hate you, and I’d rather not hate you,” she said. “He said, ‘Oh, of course, it’s only fun if we’re both having fun.’ The response was technically very sweet and acknowledging the fact that I was very uncomfortable. Verbally, in that moment, he acknowledged that I needed to take it slow. Then he said, ‘Let’s just chill over here on the couch.’”

I hate bashing the victim, but in this instance, the woman was not a victim of anything more than a shitty date.

We need to understand the concept of consent and have a conversation about that. We need to talk to one another more and stop jumping to conclusions so quickly. We need to know that if a guy asks you for drinks, compliments you, or flirts with you, that is NOT sexual harassment or sexual assault. We need to know the difference between a crime and an uncomfortable feeling. The quicker we have this long overdue conversation about what qualifies as consent and what doesn't, the better off men and women will be.

In the words of of future president, Oprah Winfrey, "A new day is on the horizon!"

Pictured above waiting on the world to change.